Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
