Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
