I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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