He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
