if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize