Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
