how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
