Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
