I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
