GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
