so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
