He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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