Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
