i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Will exercising make me less horny?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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