My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
