I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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