Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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