you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
