This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
