I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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