I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
