She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize