Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
