Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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