What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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