Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
