so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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