Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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