i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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