ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
