Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
