I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
