Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
