Well douche your snatch and let's go!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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