I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
only you would photoshop your dick
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
