I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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