Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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