i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
