Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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