Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i think i just lost a toe
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
