I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
