Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
