AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
