Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
