Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
