Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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