Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
