My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
