I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Gay?
German.
Pity.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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