i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
