Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
