My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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