Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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