Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
