I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize