ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
