I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
