I am midnight drunk by noon
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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